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All the smart transhumanists and futurists are really into cryonics. If you’re rich, it seems kind of like a no-risk situation to have your body frozen after death, with the hope that scientists will¬†figure out a way to bring you back to life eventually. Worst case scenario, the power grid goes out for an extended period of time, your body thaws out, and roving bands of wolves eat you, right? Maybe not. I mean, that’s pretty bad, I don’t want to get eaten by wolves, even if I’m already dead, but I have another problem here. I’m going to go into it in a minute, but let me just say, I didn’t live my whole life just to wind up wolf food. There’s lots of animals out there the wolves can eat, I don’t care how hungry they are. I wish a wolf was reading this so I could yell at them, but I accept that only humans and spambots are reading this, so let me get back to cryonics.

Okay, so let’s say you’re a rich guy and you want to get your body frozen after you die, and you set it all up. First of all, I have to admit, I have no clue how it works, but I assume you probably need some special equipment. I’m specifically picturing a huge Coleman cooler shaped like a coffin, filled with ice.

This is an illustration I made to show how I picture it. I wasn’t sure who to photoshop into the cooler, so I asked on Twitter who was the person most famous for being dead. Joel Potischman said Archduke Ferdinand, and I immediately decided to use him, and I definitely didn’t have to look up his Wikipedia to remind myself who he was. I’d also like to point out that I was only able to find a painting of him with no lower half, so I photoshopped a sensible pair of brown khakis onto him.

Okay, so picture you’re this guy, dead and in a huge cooler. First of all, I assume that once you get old you’re going to have to hang around the cooler all the time, probably keep it filled with ice, so already the flaws in the cryonics plan are showing up.

But my main problem is that, okay, let’s say you get frozen up really hard, and you last for 50 years in some cryonics facility. One day, they cure death, and they figure out how to fix all your cells and bring you back to life. Here is my concern: Isn’t it perfectly logical that the people who work at the cryonics facility are probably going to just use you as a slave or something? You don’t have any money and they have a business that suddenly had to spend a whole bunch of money regenerating a bunch of old dead guys. This is how the conversation will go:

You: Guys, nooooo, I don’t want to be your slave”, you’ll say, “I thought you cared about life extension and science!

Cryonics guy: That was my great-grandfather, I just inherited this place. This place sucks ass, my cousin inherited a gas station.

You: What about my family?

Cryonics guy: Oh good point, hold on, let me phone them.. Hey guys, your rich great-great-grandfather woke up and he’s probably going to want all his money that got passed down to you guys? What’s that, I should keep him as a slave, and also have sex with him? Okay thanks, bye.

You: Did you actually call them, I don’t know what a phone looks like now.

I’m tired of writing this blog post. I really burned myself out with that incredible Photoshop work.