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I think I wrote about Simulation Theory a while ago on here (oh yeah here it is, I forget what I said). Basically, it’s the idea that maybe our whole world is a simulation,and it’s been getting so much press for the last year or two. One thing I love about it is just how corny it would be if it turned out to be true. Guess what guys, the meaning of the Universe and life and everything? It’s a plot twist that you already saw in some of crappy-ass science fiction a while ago.

There is one really great thing about simulation theory though: There was a New Yorker write-up on Sam Altman (young woke VC) a while ago that just casually mentioned “two tech billionaires have gone so far as to secretly engage scientists to work on breaking us out of the simulation” as an afterthought. That wasn’t even the whole sentence, it was the end of a sentence; there were 26 words that came first. It’s like if one of my regular boring posts here was like “So I bought one of the ketchup bottles that hotdog stands use, and it really does make a difference, I know there should be no difference, but I swear I can taste the difference when I eat the hot dog; I’m in a consensual relationship with a talking frog” and then just dropped the subject.

Last year, I met Nick Bostrom, who popularized simulation theory, but I only talked to him about superintelligent AI and totally forgot to ask him about the billionaire thing. I still remember the exact place I was, twenty minutes later, when I suddenly remembered it and went “FUCK” on a (fairly deserted) sidewalk.

Marc Andreessen, who is quoted in the New Yorker article, follows me on Twitter, and I’m so curious about this billionaire thing that I did something I almost never do, and Direct-Messaged him a question, despite having never actually chatted with him on there previously. I’m always wary of bugging famous/popular people who follow me, because I don’t want them unfollowing; I figure it looks good if someone comes across my profile and sees the “these people follow Andrew” bit and it’s a bunch of good tweeters. Anyway, Andreessen didn’t give me any info, he just said that a credible reporter had told him that, but he had no knowledge of it. I assumed that’d be his answer, but I had to check.

I think the general consensus of who the billionaires are tends to include Peter Thiel and Elon Musk. Both are billionaires, and closely connected to Altman. Musk is is a founder of OpenAI, along with Altman, and became rich as a founder of Paypal, along with Thiel.

Peter Thiel is basically the Darth Vader figure to Sam Altman’s Luke Skywalker. Altman was Thiel’s protege, and they both became unimaginably wealthy and powerful, but one turned to the bright side (Altman fighting to save humanity) and one went bad (Thiel spending millions of dollars to stop us from ever seeing the full Hulk Hogan sex tape). They weren’t brothers like Vader and Skywalker, but listen, this analogy is falling apart, I totally lost focus on this one, I’m honestly concentrating most on just saying shit about Star Wars so I get more comments on my blog. Anyhow, those guys know each other, so people assume it’s him.

There’s definitely a movie script in this whole thing. Here’s how I picture it, and for the sake of clarity, instead of saying “John Smith (a Sam Altman type character)”, I’m just going to use real names. But if you’re a producer, director or studio executive reading this, and you want me to make it into a real movie, just get in touch, and I can change the names to fake names and write the full script, in return for like a million dollars or something. Also, I’m going to put the actor name after the character name, but if you see “John Smith (Ed Norton)”, it doesn’t mean that the character is named John Smith Ed Norton and has brackets around his last name.


The movie opens with Nick Bostrom (Samuel L. Jackson) giving a talk at an unspecified TED Talk-like conference. The camera pans across the crowd and we see two men nodding along: Peter Thiel (Danny Glover) and Sam Altman (Donald Glover).

Cut to the hallway after the talk. A reporter (Taye Diggs) approaches Bostrom and asks whether he really believes we live in a simulation. Bostrom adjusts his Kangol and smiles. “Listen Smales, I read your blog. I like your blog. We all like Benicetobears, but you got to stop asking me these tough questions”. The reporter, Andrew Smales (again, played by Taye Diggs) winks and says “can’t stop, the truth is in my blood”.

Bostrom begins walking down the hallway, and is approached by Thiel and Altman. “Bostrom, just ze man we were looking for” Altman says in a thick German accent (is this correct?). Bostrom looks puzzled. “Can you break us out of the simulation?” asks Thiel. Bostrom chuckles, and adjusts his Kangol. “Hell no motherfucker. Nobody can break us out of the simulation, hell, you’d have just as much chance asking me as you would..” he looks around randomly “.. as you would asking this janitor here” he points to a janitor and as the scene fades out, we see a close up of the janitor (Kevin Hart) cocking his head, as if he just thought up a cool plan.

Next scene: We’re in the fancy office of a Silicon Valley venture capital firm. Peter Thiel is having lunch with Elon Musk (Dwayne Johnson). A secretary knocks at the door and says “There are two scientists who want to see you, but they don’t have an appointment”. Thiel says “Send them away” but Musk raises his hand.. “No, no, wait a minute Pete, this might be a laugh, let’s have a little fun with these guys, really give them the business!” A wry look crosses both their their faces as the secretary exits and says “The guys will see you now”.

The janitor (Kevin Hart) enters along with another man (J.B. Smoove). They’re carrying large folders.

Actually, I’m going to cut this off right here. This is what they call “a taster” in Hollywood, and I don’t want to give the whole thing away. Suffice it to say, the janitors turned con men quickly pull one on the billionaires, and wind up living high on the hog, pretending to work on breaking us out of the simulation, while having all sorts of hijinks. Little do they know that one tenacious blogger – who looks a lot like Taye Diggs – is on to them, and will stop at nothing to figure out JUST WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!

Breakin’ Out! In theatres………………………….. soon??????????????????????